My experience attachment issues

Attachment is one of the biggest problems I face with my BPD. It honestly is something that I struggle with daily and has a negative impact on a lot of different relationships around me.

Attachment with BPD is one of the 9 symptoms and my gowdddd it is a dick

As part of my BPD I have a bad habit of becoming extremely attached to figures that provide a sense of safety and care. When I was younger I went through a long period of time feeling frightened and alone without a figure to depend on. The first time I experienced bad bad badddd attachment was in my first real relationship. We had been together for several years and friends prior, we were and remain really close. I still consider him someone I can trust, and he has been a consistent figure. He has been someone I could depend on when poorly and someone who would stand up for me.

Even though I never had a reason to (and I look back knowing this) I would find myself constantly scared of losing him and would do everything and anything to try maintaining what I thought was something I was losing.

I look back now and can see the behaviours I displayed, and it does cause upset. As I know it was a strain on the relationship. It’s something I still am working on trying to break away from. Though we are no longer together we remain close friends and I find seeing him so much easier and something I can manage.

I also find it really upsetting that people saw this as me being a psycho girlfriend or a psycho ex. This was something that even close friends and family would call me. It honestly was and still is so hurtful, the emotions and actions were never something that I could control, and I could feel myself doing things and think to myself why are you doing this, yet feel unable to stop. It is such a horrific thing to feel like you have no control over yourself and unless you’ve experienced it its something impossible to describe. I’m lucky that my ex was someone who always tried to understand and never ever blamed me for how I acted.

Even though that is something I have kind of/ sort of gotten under control. Now that I’m in a new relationship I am so scared of letting the same thing happen again. And then in turn I find myself being distant trying to prevent myself from becoming attached. It feels like I’m in a vicious circle of either becoming completely distanced or overly attached to the point its wank for me and the people round me.

In short! BPD and attachment disorders are shit and are things that should never be considered a joke or the persons fault.

Ps. Here is me looking happy as the sun is out and I got to see my best friend (my ex) today and I actually got to enjoy it and not feel over whelmed by it. This is a massive step for me and I’m forever grateful for the people who see me for me and not the shit that’s wrong in my head.